First Person Shooters: Not My Bag

Once upon a time there was a game called DOOM. In DOOM you controlled your character with the arrow keys and shot your gun using the control key. No mouse required. Aiming? Simply line up the center column of your screen with your target and you’d hit it, no mater how high or low your target was.

It was simple, and it was glorious. I felt like a God among men the way I could tear down my competition in Level 7 of DOOM II. My rocket firing precision was unmatched.

And then came mouse aiming. I could drag a document to the Recycle Bin on Windows 95 with pinpoint accuracy but I couldn’t hit the broadside of a barn when it came to first person shooters.  And so… I threw in the towel.

Every so often I get talked into playing a first person shooter. Borderlands. Call of Duty. Team Fortress 2. It always ends up in embarrassment, or me stuck farming for kills using a sentry, or a machine gun that allows me to hide prone, picking off enemies who happen to stumble across my path.

The simple fact is this: whether it’s a mouse and keyboard or a gamepad, I am incapable of accurately lining up my crosshair with another player accurately enough or in enough time to avoid becoming brain spatter. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve come up on someone and unloaded a full clip at nearly point blank range only to find a knife in my gut and a round of laughter on voice chat.

So while you may feel a sense of victory killing me five times in the same round, don’t be so proud. You’re merely culling the weak.